Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
