I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
