Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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