i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
