I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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