Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
