he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize