Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Randomize
