I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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