stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
