sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
