if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
