he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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