All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
