Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
