Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
