Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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