Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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