This is not my ceiling
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize