I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
