your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
