we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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