I think I won the penis lottery.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
