I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
