Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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