I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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