My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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