What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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