just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
