sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
