Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
