Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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