I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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