Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
