you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
