Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize