i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
