I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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