I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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