I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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