So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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