he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
