she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
