If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
