He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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