yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
