I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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