everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
