Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The chlamydia really affected his face.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
