i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The best revenge is premature balding
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
