I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
A+ Viking dick
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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