i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up under a house in Key West
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
