Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
