6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
