I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
