Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
