I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
