The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
