Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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