I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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