Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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