Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
