Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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