i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
