Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
